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(Some of these columns are pretty long, so I won't blame you if you skim them. But please, at least buy my products when you finish. - db)
today's topic:
"Grumpy Old Men Revisited"
• Wow, this has been one helluva good week! Scumbag 'leaders' are dropping like old-growth trees, flapping around like captivity-born Condors stuck in the power lines. First, that Bitch Cardinal Law finally got what he deserved. How many lives were destroyed before this monster was brought to justice (isn't covering up a crime a crime?) Then of course, Kissinger Kwit that Krazy 911 Kommission... But now there is one more who must go (they come and go in threes). But he is being a stubborn piece of shit.
Senator Trent Lott's recent explanation for his horrific racist salute to the 100-yr-old Strom - that he was, "...just trying to make an elderly man feel good" doesn't quite wash. We tried that line once on one of New Orleans' Finest (when I was caught in a very compromising position in a public bathroom with a gentleman 30 years my senior). Let me tell you: people don't want to hear about that kind of thing. Lott's lucky he hasn't lost any teeth over this incident yet.
But seriously folks, this blunder just keeps on blundering and blundering. With each passing hour, the hapless son-of-a-bitch appears on our viewscreen, at some convention or rally somewhere, recanting and apologizing for his "false impression". False impression, my ass. The real fake here is the public persona that all Republican Filth have donned over the past few years. Being forced to closet your pro-segregationist beliefs and bigotry does not make you "compassionate", nor does it make you any less vile in the eyes of the working class. The deep-rooted racism of the Republican Party should be self-evident to all, but for those too retarded to care, to investigate, or to even fucking notice, we will now break Trent's bigotry down for you:
(1) For starters, these motherfuckers voted in 1948 for a separate-but-equal Amerika. They slinked back into their closets in a successful attempt to salvage their political prowess. These men are true cowards. Strom probably should have died a broke cabbie slimeball, after a wasted life in obscuria (oh wait, that's me -db).
(2) He said the same exact offending comment 22 years ago.
(3) He voted to keep blacks out of his fraternity.
(4) He has long-standing ties with the white supremacy group The Council of Conservative Citizens. This group has a goddamned confederate flag on their website, as well as an advert for a book addressing, 'Why Martin Luther King doesn't deserve a holiday in his honor' (not to mention their discovery of a 20-thousand-yr-old 'caucasian skull'!). Lott gave a speech to this sick group of freaks at least once, saying, "the people in this room stand for the right principles and the right philosophy." What? He later claimed he had no advance knowledge regarding their 'pro-white power' agenda. Bunk!
(5) In 1981, he wrote a friend-of-the-court brief to the U.S. Supreme Court on behalf of Bob Jones University (a school that banned interracial dating until quite recently). Basically, he was trying to defend the horrible BJU and its unfair tax-exempt status. Some may recall Ashcroft's twisted "We Have No King But Jesus" Speech way back in '99...
and finally,
(6) Once headed mysterious group called 'The Council of Whites' (just kidding; I made that part up)
There are way too many more examples, but unfortunately, we are limited by space restrictions and a general sense of lethargy. We will leave it up to you, our treasured reader/user to decide. Is Trent a racist pile of shit, not fit to run a chicken farm, let alone an entire political party? Or is he simply a good, god-fearing, misunderstood piece of white trash filth who hates black people? Either way, he's garbage - - let's toss him out (where he belongs). Step down, filth-bag... it's time...
today's topic:
"Get the Fark Outta Here!"
• First off, I'd like to apologize for gloating in my blog about my recent 'flood' of hits over the Thanksgiving weekend. In retrospect, 200 hits ain't shit. That is about ten times our usual amount of traffic, but it's still small potatoes. I got a little full of myself, folks. Sorry 'bout that...
One thing I'm sick of is all these right-wing filth purveyors disguising themselves as harmless entertainment. I'm speaking of course, about such pieces of crap like fark.com (link unavailable) and jeffnews.com (link tossed in garbage). These extremist monstrosities are not only stupid, they are dangerous. There should be a color-code for political agendas on the web. (similar to the Homeland Security's Warning colors) Unlike yours truly, most of these ballsless sacks of shit won't lay their thoughts out there for the masses to see, preferring instead to leave cryptic jottings that don't add up. Let's get it straight: you and your kind want a New Amerika - one where queer, pinko, commie scumbags like myself will cease to exist. Your timidity is pathetic...
from an unpublished post:
"...btw - a huge 'no thanks' goes out to fark.com - yr lucky I even link your sorry bitch-asses! It's a long story (he wouldn't link me). But I did notice an unusual amount of traffic coming from Totalfark... hmmm.... not good enough to link to, yet available to yr paid subscribers? I suspect that Total Farkers are able to view ALL submissions, even the one's Drew deems 'too far left' to publish. Hmmm.. Glad I could feed yr sick, capitalist machine, Drew. Impressed by yr 'forced registration scheme' - brilliant! Except that you rip people off and shouldn't be able to sleep at night... Yr site sux. You are the FoxNews of the Internet - afraid of divergent views. You are a right-wing nut-job (I always knew it) with a sheep's clothing. Screening out my genius will only result in yr eventual downfall. I'm coming up, bitch - watch it! btw - I don't fear yr cyber-assassins/hackers. As if any of your fuckballs could hack into my utopia (I'm a mac-user, you shit-stain!) You are dismissed -- yr lucky I'm still linking to yr lame ass, Drew...
ps: you may want to grab fuckfark.com b4 we do... but if u do, we know we have your attention. Yr move, fckstn..."
Well, I changed my mind. I wanted to have a sense of balance, to be fair, to provide the other side (the republican filth side). No more. Last night, a friend of mine asked, "why link yr enemies?" He was right. Soon, we will be removing all links from this site that have even a scintilla of right-wing taint. Goodbye, Fark, it's been nice. From now on I will be stealing a few of yr links each week without attributing you at all. Maybe I'll steal some bandwidth while I'm at it.
• a quick thought: let's test the power of prayer together by praying for the brutal death of Sean Hannity. If it's an accidental overdose, a train wreck, or a random stray bullet from a gangbanger - it matters not. What we pray for is a removal of his vitriolic pap from the airwaves. Plus, he's ugly as fucking shit...
today's topic:
"Happy Thankstaking"
• Another non-thanksgiving again. It's okay; I'm into it that way. Fuck family, friends, and others if our relations are dependent upon a government-ordained Holiday celebrating the domination of the American Indian. We fucked a people to get what we wanted; it's that simple. Celebrating this day is tantamount to celebrating the 'discovery' of the New world (Kolumbus Day). We need to demand an end to these federally-sanctioned, blood-thirsty, celebrations forever. We're Amereikans, goddamnit - we're supposed to be more compassionate, people! Yeah, right! Most of the people I know couldn't give two shits about the obvious evil of an annual massive turkey shoot, let alone the blanket genocide of the peoples who actually belong here (N. America). Please pass the potatoes, grandpa.
I don't hate my 'family' and I don't hate my country. I love my father, my brother, my fellow citizens (unless they fail my test, then I have no use for them) I am sickened by weakness and greed. I hate that I was lied to. That all of us are stuck re-living this nightmare, year after year, until we die. I am sickened by the irony of thanking a god for a celebration of madness. I am sickened by the consumerist, x-mas images bombarding me from every direction (buy or die!) I'm sickened by the cozy, warm, family fuzz that one must navigate through in order to function during these times, "the Holidays". But what sickens me the most is TG's implicit message: You must be thankful and you must be with family and friends. And you must be thankful. Otherwise, you're a fucking ingrate. Really? Thankful? For a nation of zombies who don't think before they bomb? For neighbors who eye you with suspicion until you get inside yr gate? For the extra policing attention I receive when I shop, surf online, or walk w/friends at night? For the lack of adequate healthcare in this behemoth, the grand old U-S-of-A? For the horrible, helpless feeling of being trapped in the free-est nation on earth? For a closeted, hate-filled community that 'just wants to be left alone', isolated from the horrors of everyday life in poverty? I am thankful they haven't killed me yet.
A friend offered to bring over a chicken, some veggies, and some potatoes, so we could have a "form" of Thanksgiving. I declined the invitation based on a couple different things: (1) although chicken was substituted for turkey, I still have strong reservations when it comes to eating any bird on the last thursday of november, and (2) the worst part about TG Day - for me - has always been the pre-dinner hype that starts at eight in the fucking morning and ends the following monday (when most of us go back to work). I am trying to un-complicate my life, not bog it down with tired, worn-out, useless traditions. It's not even a real holiday anyway. As any school kid knows, Roosevelt pushed back the date by three weeks in an effort to extend the X-mas shopping season, so it's not even a real commemoration. Btw - I've never understood why everything always seems to hinge on the X-mas shopping season - as if the economy goes to hell if it fails. Is it all so fucking fragile?
I'll celebrate Thanksgiving officially when the world returns to normal. When the monies go to shelters, not bombs. When the People demand an end to US occupation of the planet. When the native americans are given back huge swaths of land. When the fedz pay reparations to Black America. I celebrate when the playing field has been restored to normal and the real people - the working poor - can celebrate shamelessly, with equal aplomb.
Until the American people realize that there is something very wrong in the Kingdom, that the glass is actually half-empty... until we scream in unisonic rage at the Powers that be: 'stop the killings, stop the lying, stop the cycle!!!!' Until the American Rape Machine stops hurting people, and animals, and plants - our very world itself - I cannot go along with giving thanks.
And before you write to me reminding me that I wouldn't be allowed to write this in another country - are you so sure? What about Canada? France? England?
And are you so sure that I can get away with this kind of speech for very much longer, here in the States? I'm not quite sure what we can say or publish anymore these days. People are always admonishing me for my anti-american tone. Not because they disagree with my viewpoints, but because they are scared of this administration. It's only a matter of time before one of you anonymous, spineless bitches decides to drop a dime on me. Pussies. I'll be thinking 'bout you and where you reside when they strap the electrodes up to my balls.
*okay, gang... you busted me. I'm not that upset about all the genocide; I'm obviously more enraged over my lack of possessing any kind of life. That's what this fucking holiday does to people - it makes 'em sad (or angry). My friend Ben - the guy who offered up the chicken sacrifice - almost started crying on the phone earlier. He said, "I just wanna feel a connection, to feel loved.." I quickly shot back with a near-deafening, "That's what this fucking holiday does to people! It reduces them to this..." To his credit, he never actually cried ; it was implied. But it touched me. I remember when I was his age, twenty-six, back before my mother died, before I felt truly alone. Back when it mattered. Now, my world has complicated and become expensive, stressful, and full of emotional pain. Therefore, I don't do the holidays much anymore. I'm sorry the truth had to come out (or did it?)
• Burroughs' Thanksgiving Prayer (go)
today's topic:
"Is TV not violent enough?"
• I was sitting around this afternoon, in the tub (I take up to four hot soaks a day; call it an Oprah-inspired indulgence) thinking about the fight I got into last night with my neighbor over a loose dog. I turned on the television and cranked up the volume in an attempt to wash away the anxiety. I hit '42' on the remote and immediately jumped back. John Kasich - the dirtball slime from Ohio - was filling in for O'Reilly on the Factor, one of my favorite 'news opinion' shows. Anybody who knows jack about me knows that I can't stand looking at the visage of Kasich for more than about three seconds. Hate him. However, something about conservative, right-wing, ultra-republican, far-right, nazi-leaning, extremist Bill O'Reilly has me hooked. Maybe it's his smug charm. Maybe it's his smile. Perhaps it's my twisted fixation with the No Spin Zone, a veritable goldmine of post-Goebbels, Orwellian jewels of evil propaganda, or, How NOT To Run This Country by Bill O'Reilly... I watch him to see an expert master at work. We learn every time we see what the other side is up to. In my case, the opposite of me is a blood-thirsty, racist, gay-bashing, Irish-American, republican bag of filth with an audience of millions. Millions of sick fuckers who hang on his every fucking word. Feels like someone I won't mention by name - a deceased individual with a bowl haircut, a spiffy uniform, and a tiny half-moustache (hint: he was German and he almost took over the world once by playing offa people's fears - just like Bill)
but I digress.
Since The O-Man was suspiciously 'on assignment' (too many mixed drinks and hookers last weekend), I turned the channel to Donahue Live in NY. This is a last gasp, folks. Adding a live studio audience almost always signifies an impending cancellation (not counting 1974's hugely-acclaimed, iconoclast, "That's Incredible!") He's only slightly above Hardball in the ratings. Translation: Americans need more blood. As King Donahue said on the show: 'If it bleeds; it leads' - unless yr a bleeding-heart liberal like the Don. Anyway, the topic happened to be one of my favorite subjects: tv. Better still, it was about violence and tv - the best of both worlds! I pulled up a new bar of soap and briefly toyed with an impromptu excursion to the kitchen for some microwave popcorn - negative, too much of Sparky's hair on the carpet to permit a clean re-entry into tub. It would have to wait.
Belive it or not, these assholes on the show were talking about the effects of so-called violent shows like Jack Ass, The Sopranos, and a particular episode of CSI involving the depiction of a rotting female corpse being consumed by army ants. What's the big fucking deal with that? A rotting corpse? Haven't these prudes ever been exposed to Rotten.com? That's the real shit, bub. So, no - there wasn't any cool talk about serial killers - they barely even mentioned the Snipers - no talk of the weird ways people die, no blood, no gore - nothing! They didn't even show a real death, Caught-On-Tape. Just a bunch of educated talking heads discussing blah blah blah blah bla - - ad infinitum. B-o-o-o-o-r-r-r-ing.
Is TV too violent? If anything, it isn't violent enough. Sure, everybody keeps complaining about how often we in the media (including lonely bloggers in the middle of america) showcase and exploit violence. Bullshit. Take the snipers for instance (please). Sure, we were treated to an endless loop of coverage for nearly a fucking month - but did we ever once see the bodies of the victims? Did we ever really understand the horrific, physical nature of the act, and not just it's obvious senselessness. Maybe if we actually showed a few of these gruesome murders up close - brains hanging out, blood, guts, etc - some gang-banging kid in Wisconsin named Chad won't think it's cool to go blow up his school (disclaimer: if this happens, I didn't advocate it) Maybe it's de-sensitizing because it's still kept neatly in the realm of the clean, anti-septic, non-gore, tv news world. Maybe we need to burst our bubble of protection, one that, so far has done very little to insulate us from the very real existence of violence and evil in this great nation. I'm picturing Columbine Autopsy Pics being required viewing for all students, aged twelve and up. A country of pragmatic, compassionate, lovers, not fighters. (But what about the NFL, dave?)
Is TV too violent? That's retarded. That's like saying refrigerators are too violent. Or asking if lamps should be banned because they are too dangerous. My point should be obvious (it has been said a million different ways by millions before me): The television isn't some insidious, commie plot that has been snuck into yr stupid God-fearing, quasi-christian shithole of a home - - - it's a piece of fucking furniture that you purchased, a horribly poisonous, vile device meant to drain you, manipulate your head, and sell shit to you. Yeah, that sucks, but please remember: television is a privilege not a right. You are solely responsible for the deleterious effects it is having on your loved ones! You are the monster who has poisoned his own people! If you're so upset about tv, don't bring it into yr home, you stupid, fucking, idiot! I personally LOVE television, so there's no hope possible for me. Besides, I hate yr God, so you should want me to be controlled, owned, and sold by a tv, dedicating hours upon hours of senseless viewing, slowly dying before I realize what has happened. But that's beside the point: there is still hope for you, my little do-gooder, right-wing, friend: kill Your TV.
Or at least turn the fucking channel, you fucking creepy, controlling, shitbag.
As a fare of mine named Diane from Nebraska recently told me, after she had talked my url outta me - 'If I don't like it, I can change the channel'. I had been concerned that she might find my material repulsive, might not get it, might view me as just more internet filth. Her point was made clearly though: freedom of choice for all, even me. Look, the Church wants to ban the strip club, but the strip club doesn't want to destroy the church. The answer is clear: we need to share our world. We can share this pile of dirt - if the religious zealots, of all faiths would relax their grip on the rest of us. You go pray to yr god, I'll take my pornographic videos, my tuna fish sandwiches, and endless video-taped loops of Jerry Springer, thank you. And please remember: Iraqis are People, Too™. (Next time the american people sheepishly vote for massive war, I would like to see the images of dead iraqi kids splattered over every channel out there, 24/7. Maybe then our people can decide if this is truly the best way to get Saddam... Query: why can't we get Al Jazeera with the Digital Bronze package? If we're so free, why...?)
today's topic:
"It's The Economy, Fuckface"
• Okay, douchebags. It's that time again - when I must admonish the rest of you for being nothing more than a heap of human filth. That special time when I take stock, look at our world, and let out a big, long 'phhhhhtt' sound (fart sound out of my mouth). Today was, of course, Election Day and yes, the results have left me feeling totally disgusted and helpless once again. Congratulations, Republican Filth. You have made yr mandate clear: we must begin World War III immediately. Perhaps the assassination of Wellstone was unnecessary, after all. The people have spoken and they've said it quite clearly: 'Blood-rage, lust, and more madness.'
Are we having fun, yet? That's right, I said, 'fun'. I know this election has been disheartening, and that many of you out there are thinking of leaving the country, Alec Baldwin-style, but let's look on the bright side: if - and I mean, if we get outta this Republican Nightmare alive, maybe the people will have a change in attitude. Perhaps a national near-death experience is what we need (along the lines of a huge, protracted war against Islam over oil, for example). Maybe then, the Sheeple will finally see the good in being a healthy, responsible Sister Nation of the Gaia Federation. By giving up just a few of our goodies, we may be able to reverse this sad, hellish spiral we find ourselves trapped in. Let's remember: if we kill the rest of the world - through our chemicals, our policies, our weapons of war - if we destroy the rest of the globe, there won't be any America anymore! Let me repeat that: No America! That means no McDonald's, no more sports, no more Starbucks, and no more "fresh powder days" up at Vail. Think! (It ain't illegal yet)
I ended up voting democrat across the board. Now, I hate the dems as much as the next person, but I thought it was an important message to send to Bush: Hey, we don't support you. The only toss-up for me was over County Sheriff. I was tempted to vote for the Libertarian candidate, vaguely remembering hearing a friend say that one of the candidates expressed overtly that he would leave drug users alone. I have many friends who 'use', so this was an important issue to me. I wished I could remember, ultimately deciding to leave that portion of the ballot blank. Something about voting for any cop - it scares me. Seems like bad luck. Also, should I ever be arrested again (god forbid, knock on wood), the irony of actually being incarcirated by some goon I voted for would be too much. I also chose NOT to retain a single judge who was on the ballot. I just feel like these fat cats had their shot, probably sentenced many innocents to jail, and were probably pretty reprehesible people in general (your daughter wants to grow up to be a judge? charming) Let 'em eat fucking cake, I always say. My vote of confidence was flushed down the toilet many years ago, shortly after being sentenced to forty-five days for a sentencing violation, the judge refusing to allow me to speak. You bastard judges can look for another job like everybody else.
I also voted 'no' on the roads initiative. Fuck the City. They waste our money on 'improvements' and then fuck us over repeatedly (can't go into all that crap right here for lack of space, tho.)
• Get Yr Snack On : I finally got around to trying one of those Frito Lay pop-top snack things (Go Snacks). You know the product: indestructable container, water-proof, on-the-go snacking. Well let me tell ya: they ain't that cool, people.
For starters, they don't taste very much like the products they are trying to be. I went with the Lay's Original Crisps. I just assumed that they would taste like miniature potato chips. I had no idea they would taste like little, candy-coated, fried, grease cakes. They were addictive little fuckers, though! The taste turned out to be the least of my problems, however.
I immediately ripped off the top plastic and tried to open it. Did it unscrew? I couldn't figure this thing out at first and I remember thinking, 'There's no way this product's gonna make it. If you can't even get it open, how in the fuck are we gonna fall in love with it? what a corporate screw-up...' But then I took a quick glance at the directions on the side of the vessel/container. I was to 'pop off' the top. I tried. I squeeze the lower part, nearly crushing the contents. 'That can't be right', I thought to myself. Finally, after several different approaches, the lid just came off in my hand. I wasn't quite sure how I'd managed it, but I didn't give a fuck; It was time to snack.
I immediately tipped the container toward my yearning, open, hungry mouth, only to be literally buried in what felt like several ounces of tiny, dry crisps. I was appalled. I actually had to spit a few back into the container, causing me to briefly think, 'I better eat all these myself, now.' At that exact moment, a Safeway Guy was walking by my parked taxi, casting strange looks in my direction. 'I must look like a fool', I thought. I had crisps dribbling out the corners of my mouth, my cheeks stuffed like a fucking chipmunk, and a nebulous, black, phallic-shaped object in my hand. No matter. I was determined to enjoy my snacking, regardless of the public's scornful eye. I glanced again at the instructions on the side of the container. I could use the lid as a cup. 'Wow! I wish I would have known that three seconds ago', I remember thinking. I found the cup idea to be pretty effective overall, only occasionally getting more crisps than I had bargained for. I did however, feel like a tremendous ass with these strange thermos-like things in my hands. What was I, a goddamned freak?!
After the first ten minutes of embarrassment wore off, and I began to feel more comfortable with my new 'eating hobby', I started to allow myself to have a little fun with it. I took a great deal of satisfaction in loading up my lid to the rim and then seeing how quickly I could eat my new snack without injuring myself. I would levy penalty points each time a crisp fell to my lap or lodged itself sideways in my teeth. I was getting pretty good when out of the corner of my eye, I saw him: another gawker. Visibly upset, I quickly re-capped my crisps and drove off rather quickly. To my horror, my can of cola went flying, soaking my front passenger side carpet. 'Fuck!' I exclaimed. It had already smelled like ass in the cab (shopped it yesterday - could have been the mechanic. Could've been the recent wet weather). As I jettisoned around the corner of the parking lot, it dawned on me: the reason I spilt my first drink in years was because the cup holder had been taken - by the goddamned Go Snack!!!
Rating: F+
Consistency: Crunchy, almost stale
Verdict: Digestive problems, 'go fuck yrself'
(previous columns)
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