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(You may have noticed a few changes around these parts. For starters, we've censored ourselves again. That's right: I've removed reams of material that I recently deemed 'too offensive' or 'too dangerous'. I've even edited down this brief introductory statement... Welcome to the new Blackwood Channel column! - db)
today's topic:
"It's The Economy, Fuckface"
• Okay, douchebags. It's that time again - when I must admonish the rest of you for being nothing more than a heap of human filth. That special time when I take stock, look at our world, and let out a big, long 'phhhhhtt' sound (fart sound out of my mouth). Today was, of course, Election Day and yes, the results have left me feeling totally disgusted and helpless once again. Congratulations, Republican Filth. You have made yr mandate clear: we must begin World War III immediately. Perhaps the assassination of Wellstone was unnecessary, after all. The people have spoken and they've said it quite clearly: 'Blood-rage, lust, and more madness.'
Are we having fun, yet? That's right, I said, 'fun'. I know this election has been disheartening, and that many of you out there are thinking of leaving the country, Alec Baldwin-style, but let's look on the bright side: if - and I mean, if we get outta this Republican Nightmare alive, maybe the people will have a change in attitude. Perhaps a national near-death experience is what we need (along the lines of a huge, protracted war against Islam over oil, for example). Maybe then, the Sheeple will finally see the good in being a healthy, responsible Sister Nation of the Gaia Federation. By giving up just a few of our goodies, we may be able to reverse this sad, hellish spiral we find ourselves trapped in. Let's remember: if we kill the rest of the world - through our chemicals, our policies, our weapons of war - if we destroy the rest of the globe, there won't be any America anymore! Let me repeat that: No America! That means no McDonald's, no more sports, no more Starbucks, and no more "fresh powder days" up at Vail. Think! (It ain't illegal yet)
I ended up voting democrat across the board. Now, I hate the dems as much as the next person, but I thought it was an important message to send to Bush: Hey, we don't support you. The only toss-up for me was over County Sheriff. I was tempted to vote for the Libertarian candidate, vaguely remembering hearing a friend say that one of the candidates expressed overtly that he would leave drug users alone. I have many friends who 'use', so this was an important issue to me. I wished I could remember, ultimately deciding to leave that portion of the ballot blank. Something about voting for any cop - it scares me. Seems like bad luck. Also, should I ever be arrested again (god forbid, knock on wood), the irony of actually being incarcirated by some goon I voted for would be too much. I also chose NOT to retain a single judge who was on the ballot. I just feel like these fat cats had their shot, probably sentenced many innocents to jail, and were probably pretty reprehesible people in general (your daughter wants to grow up to be a judge? charming) Let 'em eat fucking cake, I always say. My vote of confidence was flushed down the toilet many years ago, shortly after being sentenced to forty-five days for a sentencing violation, the judge refusing to allow me to speak. You bastard judges can look for another job like everybody else.
I also voted 'no' on the roads initiative. Fuck the City. They waste our money on 'improvements' and then fuck us over repeatedly (can't go into all that crap right here for lack of space, tho.)
• Get Yr Snack On : I finally got around to trying one of those Frito Lay pop-top snack things (Go Snacks). You know the product: indestructable container, water-proof, on-the-go snacking. Well let me tell ya: they ain't that cool, people.
For starters, they don't taste very much like the products they are trying to be. I went with the Lay's Original Crisps. I just assumed that they would taste like miniature potato chips. I had no idea they would taste like little, candy-coated, fried, grease cakes. They were addictive little fuckers, though! The taste turned out to be the least of my problems, however.
I immediately ripped off the top plastic and tried to open it. Did it unscrew? I couldn't figure this thing out at first and I remember thinking, 'There's no way this product's gonna make it. If you can't even get it open, how in the fuck are we gonna fall in love with it? what a corporate screw-up...' But then I took a quick glance at the directions on the side of the vessel/container. I was to 'pop off' the top. I tried. I squeeze the lower part, nearly crushing the contents. 'That can't be right', I thought to myself. Finally, after several different approaches, the lid just came off in my hand. I wasn't quite sure how I'd managed it, but I didn't give a fuck; It was time to snack.
I immediately tipped the container toward my yearning, open, hungry mouth, only to be literally buried in what felt like several ounces of tiny, dry crisps. I was appalled. I actually had to spit a few back into the container, causing me to briefly think, 'I better eat all these myself, now.' At that exact moment, a Safeway Guy was walking by my parked taxi, casting strange looks in my direction. 'I must look like a fool', I thought. I had crisps dribbling out the corners of my mouth, my cheeks stuffed like a fucking chipmunk, and a nebulous, black, phallic-shaped object in my hand. No matter. I was determined to enjoy my snacking, regardless of the public's scornful eye. I glanced again at the instructions on the side of the container. I could use the lid as a cup. 'Wow! I wish I would have known that three seconds ago', I remember thinking. I found the cup idea to be pretty effective overall, only occasionally getting more crisps than I had bargained for. I did however, feel like a tremendous ass with these strange thermos-like things in my hands. What was I, a goddamned freak?!
After the first ten minutes of embarrassment wore off, and I began to feel more comfortable with my new 'eating hobby', I started to allow myself to have a little fun with it. I took a great deal of satisfaction in loading up my lid to the rim and then seeing how quickly I could eat my new snack without injuring myself. I would levy penalty points each time a crisp fell to my lap or lodged itself sideways in my teeth. I was getting pretty good when out of the corner of my eye, I saw him: another gawker. Visibly upset, I quickly re-capped my crisps and drove off rather quickly. To my horror, my can of cola went flying, soaking my front passenger side carpet. 'Fuck!' I exclaimed. It had already smelled like ass in the cab (shopped it yesterday - could have been the mechanic. Could've been the recent wet weather). As I jettisoned around the corner of the parking lot, it dawned on me: the reason I spilt my first drink in years was because the cup holder had been taken - by the goddamned Go Snack!!!
Rating: F+
Consistency: Crunchy, almost stale
Verdict: Digestive problems
today's topic:
Welcome New Members!
• Welcome New Members!
Many of you really don't have any fucking idea who I am or what I want. I can respect that. Allow me a few lines of explanation. My name is Dave Blackwood. I am a white, male from Boulder, CO, USA, approximately 36 years of age. I run the website you are looking at now, The Blackwood Channel. I also drive a cab and have a love of animals. My mission in life is to make people aware. I believe awareness averts governmental abuse. Also, the website likes to take a peek at the absurd, the inane, and the obscene. Hopefully, you too will come to enjoy our way of life - the Blackwood Principle. Regardless, at least click on our sponsors, you stupid pieces of shit. Sorry. That was uncalled for. Anyway, I'd like to get a few things offa my chest... ...
• I thought I moved to Bouldar, CO to be safe, to have a safe environ for my children to grow up in. Lately, I feel like I may have been duped. Allow me a few paragraphs of explanation...
For those who know her from afar, the city of Bouldar may appear to be a virtual paradise. Trees, streams, mountains, etc. Smiling faces. But let's not forget that this is the town that covered up Jon Benet Ramsey's murder! The latest atrocities:
(1) Last month, some psycho-fuck stormed into our Old Navy Store and viciously stabbed a young woman to death in front of a dozen witnesses (who did nothing). He then sat down on the curb and calmly waited for the police to come.
(2) A fourteen year old boy was shot and killed on the Hill a few days ago. Apparently, it was a drug deal gone wrong. It all seems so cliche'd, yet it happened!
and finally,
(3) There has been a rash of car break-ins in my neighborhood parking lot over the last couple of weeks. They were hitting cars that were left unlocked. They stole shit outta my taxi, of course. There goes my 'unlocked' policy. Fortunately, the crooks commited what I like to call a "considerate crime", where they left things like my mapbook, my creditcard slider, and my precious ass pillow - - remember, the one I saved from the car fire? (see previous column). Unfortunately, they came back two days in a row, and took my ass pillow the second time. Goddamn it!! Now my back is sore again. Thanks, you fucks! Sadly, my door locks jammed and one won't open now. Thanks to homeless, jobless filth, I must shop my beloved cab #137... ...
• I just realized that I haven't checked my e-mail in over a month. I'm sorry, gang... I've been e-mailing everyone with their own customized message:
(friend),
Wow... it's been quite a long time. Let me fill in a few blanks.
First off, I'm a born-again Christian, (friend). I think you know what that means, but just to be safe, I will tell you: A Christian is someone who believes in Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. As such, he is required to spread the word of blah blah blah phhhththhtttt!!!
I had you, didn't I? You thought I had flipped to the other side, didin't ya?!! Huh?! Christ, I'm good!!! (I am not a born-again nor any other kind of christian - hope you too are an agnostic like myself, but to each his/her own. my sincerest apologies if you are a devout Christian)
• Anyway, welcome new members. Love my ass.
today's topic:
'Brazen' New World
• 10 murders in ten days. That's the tally so far for the 'brazen' Beltway Sniper.
Brazen? That's what the pundits are saying: this guy is getting more brazen, more ballsy as time passes without an arrest. He must be getting bored. He wants to get caught, they posit.
Bullshit. This clown doesn't want to get caught; he's getting off on the attention. And calling this coward, 'brazen' is retarded. 'But he struck again, this time in full view of a State Trooper!' No, he didn't. Fact: when the Trooper turned to look in the direction of the blast, he saw nothing. A pretty clear indication that our 'brazen' little spree killer had no idea the police were in the vacinity. Once again, his luck holds out, and he eludes capture. So fucking what? Question: How difficult is it to pick off a soccer mom with a sniper's rifle from several hundred yards away, jump in yr truck, and escape? This bitch isn't brazen... he's a weak, pathetic, opportunist.
Broad daylight. Cops nearby. Massive media attention.... he must be totally unafraid, totally brazen. Horse poop! Even the Son-of-Sam got close to his victims; a real "hands-on" approach to killing strangers. We can almost respect serial killers who have enough balls to actually get a little dirty. Even your average two-bit thug has the courage to use a handgun or a knife. This pud, however, doesn't have a brazen bone in his putrid, little body. He needs the safety of a few hundred yards of distance between his victim and the messy reality of senseless murder.
Brazen?! You know what's brazen? The imperialistic Bush, and his Congressional accomplices, who just yesterday approved the Prez' use of force against Iraq. Even Tom Daschle has thrown his full support behind our fearless, ********* Leader. The reasoning? The same as always: a unified voice. Fuck our voice. And fuck our weapons of mass destruction. And triple-fuck our twisted, "bomb the world into a safe place" mentality. The USA's sick, unilateral march to WWIII can be neatly summed up in one word: brazen.
How'z about focusing his far-flung rage solely on Corporate CEOs? Pedophile priests? What if this goon spent a little more time planning, and a little less time actually executing his evil deeds? Could not this guy's excellent marksmanship be used to our advantage? What if we offered him a blanket pardon in exchange for a plane ticket to Iraq? Once he assassinated Saddam, he could come home with a hero's welcome. Talk about turning one's life around!
Regardless, when they get this bitch, I wanna be the first one to shake his hand - - after it's been sawed off his cold, dead body by the children of his hapless victims!!
• (A prediction: this guy is neither twisted kook nor terrorist sleeper - he is a government agent sent to distract us)
today's topic:
"Fuck the Mini Cow"
• There's only one word for this crap: bullshit (or maybe cowshit?).
Please allow me a few paragraphs of explanation...
Recently, we here at The Blackwood Channel decided to revamp our site entirely. Having once been the #1 source for all things Conspiracy, we decided it was time for a change. Also, we were getting sick and tired of the Military dropping by (unannounced), completely ignoring our old disclaimer - a gem of a document that no longer exists, erased in a drunken fit of self-pity. (While I'm on the subject: State of Delaware, USA: stay the fuck off this site, bitches! Your presence here is strictly barred under the rules of my Implicit Disclaimer - pay attention or lose!) It was time to trash the anti-US guv drivel and create an all-new Blackwood Channel - one with less importance!
I woke up one morning, looked at my referrer logs, realized that 90% of our 8 - 10 visitors were finding us thru "rate-my-pussy" searches, and promptly discontinued the site. I needed to think up a new agenda, a new, less cumbersome website. In the interim, I put up a brief "coming soon" message, complete with a couple pics (for fun). One of those pics featured a very cute, minature cow (long-time users will be familiar with my love of miniatures). I LOVE mini-cows! They're so fucking cute, and they're actually a sound financial investment as well! To me, nothing screams,"I'm an American!" better than owning and managing your own miniature herd of genetically-mutated freak bovines (I don't care if you're from Australia, Brazil, or fucking China - if you can shrink a fucking cow, you're a true American Hero.) I think we can all see that - black, brown, yellow, white, and yes, even Australian.
Apparently, I was wrong. There was someone who didn't share my joy. That "someone" was Palmdale Miniature Stud - the people I had lifted the mini-cow pic from!
From: "Clive and Tracy Parker"
To: blackwoodchannel@yahoo.com
CC: "Palmdale Stud - Carolyn"
Subject: Mini Cows pictures
Date: Mon, 5 Aug 2002 12:08:24
Dave,
Without permission you have used a mini cows picture from our website on your page at http://www.nettrash.com/users/blanchard/blackwoodchannel.html. All photos on our website are subject to copyright - in this case they are owned by Palmdale Miniature Animal Stud. In the ordinary course of events we wouldn't be too concerned; however the language and tone of your site is not conducive to the family business run by Palmdale Stud therefore we would respectfully request that you REMOVE this photo IMMEDIATELY.
regards
Clive Parker
Hillcrest Bed & Breakfast
This letter proves my point, people:
Australia is a garbage pit of lies and sickness. Australia's just a mini-fucking-Amerikkka... they just wanna have fun in the sun, gang... they just wanna be allowed to wallow on their sick, white beaches! They never hurt a goddamned soul! Yeah, right!
These are a savage people, folks. Don't let the golden beaches, the evenly-tanned faces, and the pearly-whites fool ya - these monsters are twisted. Look at their internment/extermination of the aborigines. And does anybody else here remember last year's horrific Tampa incident, when a Norwegian freighter rescued 438 people from a dilapidated Indonesian fishing boat in distress, only to be denied asylum in Australia, while the refugees baked at sea for weeks? Even today, the "Pacific Solution" has destroyed literally thousands of innocent lives - through drowning, dehydration, starving, or by taking a bullet in the head once they were shipped back to their homelands. Right now, at this very moment, asylum-seeking soul's rot in Australian penal colonies. Can anyone say, "Devil's Island"?
And while nobody wants to bring it up again, what exactly happened here, where a gang of Australian monsters kidnapped, raped, and tortured a homeless French youth for several weeks?!! Welcome to Australia: French For Anal Rape! You bastards are even sicker than us, your larger brother, America. Thanks for making even us feel good for a few days...
So how does an Australian get off on attacking me?!! Moral hypocrisy knows no continental boundary, apparently...
Regardless, my lawyers have advised me to pull the offending pic from the Blackwood Channel, pending the outcome of our investigation. We pledge to you that this pic will again grace this website. But for now, it is a legal matter. Thank you for your understanding. Here's a link of the pic that caused all this commotion.
today's topic:
"Am I really dying?"
• No, I am not dying folks. Please allow me to explain.
Just the other day, a 'living obiturary' was posted detailing my recent battle with my latest disease, Alzheimer's. A sample:
"Anyhoo, I'm neither giving up nor giving in... I'm giving out. Giving out my horrible little secret, for you, the Fans. You've been with me for as long as I can remember and frankly, I'm afraid of losing you. But that's the reality of the situation and soon we must part.
And yes, I feel 'screwed'. Here, I've dedicated my life to public service and this is God's cruel reward?"
Thank you to all the people who wrote in telling me that I wasn't very funny. You're right... we shouldn't make fun of diseases. I'm terrible. It was all just a big joke. I'm probably just fine...
• Looks like everybody's favorite child molester, that King O' Pop himself - Wacko Jacko - is having his third boy in as many years. What the fuck is going on here, people?!!! Are we seriously going to sit by, twisting our doobies and watching our episodes of 'The Re-run Show', while this sick fucker is allowed to genetically create tiny boy sex-slaves in his own private, twisted, perverted Neverland?
A few final questions:
How come we don't know who the mother is? I mean, it's amazing that he can just 'make a child' appear out of thin air! Obviously, this child was made in a home lab.
Why are all 3 of the Jacko Infants male? Next thing you know, this bastards gonna shit out a couple of male twins, conjoined at the hip!
Why do we allow this crap? Because this America, home of the sick and the depraved...
Still... we say, Never Again. Stop him before he 'breeds' again.
today's topic:
"Did Bigfoot have anything to do with the disappearance of Elizabeth Smart?"
• We've all seen that cute TV commercial featuring the Nissan Altima having it's picture taken over and over by a street surveillance camera, like a high-fashion photographer. Get it? The Camera's falling in love with the Altima... tee hee...
This is fucking sick, people. Have we really embraced the Police State so whole-heartedly that we think it's "cute", now? Pathetic.
• As many of you know, for the last six or seven years I have made the bulk of my fortune off the internet - I'm kidding. Most of you know I have been driving a cab for nearly a goddamned decade. Up until recently, it seemed like a fairly decent way to make a living (not really much money, but it's a cake-walk). But alas, nothing lasts forever, not even a crappy job in Bouldar, CO.
Well Gang, it's finally happened to Yours Truly. After years of screaming at the Man, demanding change, and attacking Corporate America, It happened. The monsters at Acme Cab have jacked my lease up by $220/wk! Essentially, I've been downsized, people. I'm part of Michael Moore's Lost America: Disenfranchised, broke, and pathetic. This new lease means total poverty for me, unless I get out and force myself to get a 'real' job.
But since that's impossible, I will remain here, more broke than ever, until I die. Thanks, Acme -- you bastards!
• Sickening. That's the only word for it: Sickening.
I just discovered that 90% of 'you' are getting here, to this website - not because you want quality news - but because you are doing searches for phrases like, "Rate My Pussy" and "Fuck Ben Curtis" and winding up here by accident. How fucking disheartening. How sad.
I may have to quit doing this if only perverts and friends visit. I am dying, people.
ps: sorry for the column from last week. I don't hate you motherfuckers. I'm just shocked that most of you are happy to just sit by while they take this beautiful planet to hell. Fuck it, huh? Let's get back to "Sex In The City" and eat our "Ben & Jerry's"; we have more Iraqi children to kill...
today's topic:
"Should Iraq Attack the US?"
(Dear Visitor: You're reading these words right now because I made close to four hundred dollars last night. If I hadn't, I'd be asleep by now - preparing for tomorrow's horrific shift. Instead, I sit here nestled in front of the iMac, listening to "Boogie Bop" on a tape recording of the late, legendary net station, Gogaga. Anyhoo, God Bless America... You people rock. I'm gonna let you get back to my column now. Enjoy...)
• I'm now convinced that every time one writes the word, 'Military' or 'Army' - anywhere, online - a military bot visits your site within 24 hours. It's happened to me on numerous ocassions. People, this is scary...
This whole Moussaoui Thing is starting to really sicken me. I won't even go into Padilla.
In a nutshell: Moussi claims he has proof that the Feds knew about him and the other 19 hijackers well before 9-11 and that they allowed the Attacks to occur. He also claims that he might be killed by a Federal Marshall in court ("If anything happens to me...")
I hate this sicko as much the next God-fearing, lower-class, flag-flying, American male... but I wonder...? If this guy is legit, then it confirms all of our worst fears about this Administration. If the Mouss dies, I re-patriate back to my native Canada.
• So rich-fuck, Steve Fossett, has finally made it around the world, solo, in a balloon. Congrats, Steve, you sick, twisted fruit! So you flew over a starving orb! Feed us - - don't fly-over us, bitch.
• Anybody else here feel like killing "Jarrod", the Subway Guy? That commercial where he says, "You're welcome, whoever you are..." really burns me up. In real life, those goons would attack Jarrod, tie him up, and... I think you can fill in the rest. Reminds one of Steven, the Dell Kid. Sex. Gays. Hits. On My website. Welcome pervert, you've discovered nothing again.
today's topic:
"Should Pedophile Priests be allowed to adopt?"
• That Guy Who Plays Shaggy in the new Scooby Doo movie just had a kid and named him "Addison". Man... they gotta be on top of the world right now... lucky bastards. Anybody see this piece of shit, yet? I hear it's quite good... ... ...
• FACT is stranger than FICTION: Last Friday, I was driving my taxi back from Denver when, all of a sudden, she caught fire. She began to smoke like a chimney going west on 36, up the Davidson Mesa. I tried to crest the hill (to make it to the scenic overlook), but within seconds, another Acme Cab actually pulled up next to me, forced me to roll down my window, and shouted, "Your car's ON FIRE!!!" "I know," I nonchalantly mouthed. "NO! IT'S ON FIRE! PULL OVER!!" he ordered. I complied with a quick nod and a flip of the turn signal - - I was docking the flaming beast on the shoulder, mere yards from the scenic overlook. I got out and analyzed the situation. Some folks trapped in the rush hour hell actually honked their horns. I was flabbergasted. I decided I should wait a few minutes and see if she cooled off. Negative, she continued to burn, now much more strongly. I decided to back away from the vehicle (she was gonna blow, I thought). I should call dispatch. I began dialing and decided to hang up and call 9-1-1. And under cover cop pulled over and assisted me. Moments later, the State Highway Patrol. Sparky was with me and I felt like an asshole. I wasn't permitted to grab my belongings from the burning car. The fire truck pulled up and immediately, the guys are reeling out the hose and dousing the hood. Through the wheel well, the grill - anyway possible to extinguish this potential timebomb. The hood's latch refused to give and they had to take an ax and sledgehammer to her. I wanted to run up and find the lever that should have been pulled ten minutes earlier. After the fire was completely out, I was shocked to retrieve all of my belongings from the front seat and trunk - all dry and undamaged, even my special ass pillow! The best part of the story? A reporter from the Daily Camera was there and captured the entire psycho-drama on film. More Later (including the pic!)
Well, I'm gonna watch the USA-DEUTSCHLAND match and call it a night. Thanks for reading this.... .... ...
btw - I am aware of the loading difficulties. I am working on it.
db
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