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(I'm not a writer; I merely play one on the Internet. I hope you enjoy this crap regardless. If not, fuck off and go somewhere else. Also, a quick disclaimer: this is a parody site and not to be taken seriously, especially by the fedz - db)
today's topic:
"Blackwood Channel User Notes"
• First off, welcome new members. It's a pleasure providing you with daily internet news. You have our promise that we will update daily, unlike these filthbags:
"First, I owe everyone an apology. I'm very sorry about the lack of updates in the past month; in my defense, let me say that work, preparing for the holidays and trying to cram an actual life in between the cracks has taken up precious time that should have been spent working on photo essays, answering e-mails and hacking together letters pages and other new stuff for your perusal and enjoyment. I am woefully behind, and probably will be until after the New Year..."
That was actually posted on the Buy Bush A PlayStation 2 site - on december 22nd, 2002! Bullshit. No one cares why you've abandoned the site asshole. We care about the Bush response (and what happened to all the extra money you bitches made?!)
We'd like to take a few moments now to tell you about some of the advantages to the New Blackwood Channel. For starters, we've added a new tagboard. This handy device will be available to members only, a few other blogs, and people smart enough to find it! Enjoy it while it lasts people. It may have to come down if it stays empty.
Unfortunately, the esteemed editor of The Blackwood Channel, daveblackwood, has succumbed to the advanced stages of an alzheimer's-like illness (just like Heston). He can no longer use a keyboard and has started speaking in tongues. He has taken to wearing his pants backwards. It is all very tragic and sad. We will keep you posted. In the meantime, we welcome back Rear Admiral Rene Blanchard, who takes over the editorial helm at midnight tomorrow (He is also our current webmaster and has been since 1995). Welcome, Colonel; we can't wait to work with you. Kudos also extended to interim editor Bert Holmes.
But there has been another change around these parts, one that may not be visible to the naked eye. It's our new attitude. We've dropped our emphasis on fraud and profit-mongering. We've decided to 'care' about you folks. Welcome to a whole, new Blackwood. A hassle-free Blackwood.
We've decided to stop mass e-mailing you with our spam. We agree that our cookies are probably a violation in and of themselves; that program has been eliminated. We also admit that invoicing many of you for fake 'services rendered' was probably in poor taste, if not downright illegal. But that's changing. There's a new attitude around these parts. It has to do with respect. And privacy. And not trying to rip off your credit card numbers. We're done with that shit - honest.
The New Blackwood Channel: Little. Purple. Always There.
today's topic:
"Fuck da Police"
• Although we reported the story almost a week before the mass media picked up on it, a follow-up on the dog-shot-by-police incident seems absolutely essential.
As the story goes, James Smoak, his wife, and 17yr old son were suddenly pulled over on a Tennessee highway by the Cookeville Police. A 'felony stop' was commissioned based on a cellphone tip that there was money being thrown from the family's vehicle, indicating a possible car-jacking (Smoak had actually accidentally left his wallet containing $400 on top of his car. It blew off the roof and made a do-gooder call the cops. Another reason to ban cellphones in cars: ignorant narcs). After being ordered out of the car and then handcuffed on the ground, the family pleaded with the pigs to shut the car doors so the dog wouldn't get out. After ignoring the innocent family's reasonable request, the dog eventually ambled out of the car to check on master. To their horror, a pig named Officer Eric Hall shot and killed their beloved 'pitbull' (it wasn't even close to a pitbull but the pigs had to come up with something). The videotape is perhaps one of the most disturbing cop-on-tape horrors yet. Of course, the video will be worthless; our esteemed courts only respect video if it can nail one of us. Anytime a pig is caught on tape, we are treated to yet another miscarriage of 'justice'. Just like the recent cop who punched the kid on the hood of the cop car, the verdict will be justifiable use of force. That's how weak we are. At least one community had a proper reaction to recorded police brutality (I refer of course to the Rodney King/LA riots)
Abusive tirades by the police are not limited to mullet-headed, shirtless bags of shit anymore - it can happen to anyone of us, at any time. Anybody who's had to deal with these fuckheads firsthand knows how 'fair and reasonable' they can be. This pattern of abuse needs to be dealt with, the sooner the better. Mass protests could help (the Catholic Church), but I have a better plan.
Under my system, any pig caught on tape using a disproportionate use of force on anything - man, woman, child, or beast - would be put to death in the harshest manner possible (of course there would be a show trial, juried by their peers, culled from the City of Compton, perhaps). The corpse would then be hung in the town square as a reminder and warning to any rogue pigs out there: don't get any funny ideas, piggy-fucker. Then, after the body has adequately disintegrated, the victims' family and friends would be encouraged to desecrate the remains. Pissing on, shitting on, and spitting on the body (what's left of it) would become a community event. Perhaps a video could be shot to be used as a training video for local police departments. Regardless, this process would provide much needed closure and send a grave message: don't fuck with us, pig!
Granted, we asked for this police state, and thru our passivity have enabled their behavior for far too long, but that doesn't mean we deserve to be held hostage by these goons any longer. We are required to stop their madness by some means. Since we are completely powerless in this skewed 'democracy', I say we keep the dozen or so good cops, get rid of the pigs, and start over. Protect and serve, remember?
• Anybody else see Scott Ritter shred Shepard Smith on the Fox Report today? It was incredible. Shep set up the interview by strongly implying that Ritter was siding with Saddam. What was the motivation - money?
"That's a really stupid question, Shep. I didn't serve eight years in the marines to be called un-american, etc..."
He then went on the attack, accusing Shep and all of Fox News of being war hawks. He accused them all of having 'blood lust'. Shep, the weak fuck, could only shake his head and throw out more inane, baseless comments. Ritter just kept pointing him towards his record and asking where it was that he lied. Ritter simply wants what the rest of the world wants: a scintilla of proof of Iraq's WMD.
Way to go, Scott. You really showed that slouch who's boss. And fuck off Shep, with yr 'gumpisms' and yr fake-ass southern charm. You are truly an abomination, as is the rest of your Fox News filth... ...
(previous columns)
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