Christian Bautista
Really, I expect an answer. The question is not meant to be rhetorical. As you might already know, procrastinators like me never waste time asking questions that we don't expect to be answered. I for one find it to be quite strenuous. But don't make a federal case out of it, I find almost anything to be tiring. It's part of being a card-carrying member of the Worldwide Crusade To Do Chores Tomorrow. The organization has some very distinguished people in it's roster. We have some bureaucrats from government agencies (most of them from the Post Office), a handful from our police force and last but not least, some La Sallians (or are they in the low IQ Coalition?).
That La Salllian crack was wrong. I apologize. Let it be known that I'm making an effort to reconcile with airheads... err... La Sallians, I mean.
Anyway, that's enough of my subtle space-filling segway. Getting back to the subject at hand, I would have to consider 1999 as one of the worst in recent human history. In fact, if I'm ever asked to list down the worst years in the miserable existence of the human race, I'd list 1999 right up there, right alongside 1918 and 1941.
For the sake of the uninformed in the audience, here's what happened. In 1918, a worldwide influenza epidemic killed 20 million people. That was about half of the world's total population then (that's quite funny considering they jam that number of people into districts nowadays.)
"Wait a minute!" Screams the editor. "Half the world population? Mr. Bautista obviously did not get his facts straight. But that's okay. Planet Trash is not supposed to be a fountain of truth anyway. So please continue your mindless mumblings, Mr. Bautista."
And in 1941, World War II started. Needless to say, that year wasn't good. Now, now, before you stupid idiots dismiss me as an exaggerating imbecil, hear me out, will you? Thank you. I'll let the stats speak for itself. Here's the rundown for the last year of this departing millennium. Good riddance is what comes to mind. Ok, here we go. As of presstime, 1999 has had the Erap administration, two NATO bombings, two earthquakes...
The editor is smiling sheepishly. "Ehem, you see, by some miracle, Mr. Bautista actually submitted this article on time for the September issue of Planet Trash. Unfortunately for him, the rest of us was not as punctual. So the updated stats should be around five major earthquakes, including one in our beautiful Philippines recently."
...some unprovoked shooting sprees involving minors, a couple of disasters here and there, plus a handful of famous dead people, most notable of which is JFK Jr. and Joe DiMaggio. The list goes on and on, just like the line for the Blair Witch Project. Oh, and by the way, let's not forget that the biggest tragedy that has ever befallen mankind occured in 1999, which, as we all know, is Michael Jordan's retirement. Add to that Wayne Gretzky and John Elway hanging up their jerseys and you have yourself a smorgasborg of 100 hundred percent pure Filipino homemade misery, just the way you like it.
Now, I'm no rocket scientist but I'll have to say that can't be good. If only the Heaven's Gate cult members committed suicide because of the way 1999's going rather than the Hale-Bopp comet, people might consider them a little less cuckoo. Oh alright, maybe not. Those people have gone off the deep end a long time ago. But you have to admit, that was one heck of an insensitive statement. Just another one of those desirable virtues I picked up from Josh.
Speaking of the devil (and I mean this literally), did I mention that Josh got on my case bacause of my Owen Hart article? You know, the one from the August edition(that is, if you were depressed enough to see last month's edition).
"That was actually four months ago, so it was last last last last month's edition," the editor attempts to clarify.
No, it's not because it was kind of cheesy (I prefer to use endearing). He wanted me to find "humor" in it. The guy thought it was funny considering that a dumb and overeager wrestler plummeted 50 feet to his death while performing a stunt. Now is that sick or what? This guy is not human. The reason I squeezed that in is because I wanted to expose Josh for what he really is. Now, you won't get him to admit this, but I have reason to believe that he's really an alien being sent to earth to spy on humans. That's the reason he went to Ateneo... so that he can hide his alien identity. Because you see, he considers humans as a lower kind of lifeform and can't hold back his feelings of superiority over us. I think it has something to do with us being carbon-based or something like that. Anyway, and since everyone else in Ateneo looks down on the rest of the human race, he fits right in... heheh.
Yeah!! I finally got the Ateneans. I'm on a roll. And since anybody would be hard-pressed to dig up some dirt on UST, I'll leave it at that for now. I'm starting to write some nonsense (not that the rest of the article made any sense). Besides, my babbling license has just been suspended. So long suckers (I mean this in the non-Lewinsky sense)!!