Reported by Joshua Liao
North Pole, Earth--With a few days to go before Christmas, all the reindeer of Santa Claus, with the exception of Rudolph, shocked the world by going on strike, after a new round of negotiations with the management of North Pole, Inc. failed.
In a press conference held somewhere in Scandinavia, the angry reindeer denounced what they deemed as unfair labor practices by the management, particularly Mr. Santa Claus, the CEO of the corporation. "We work our deer-butts off every year to please all the spoiled brats of the world, and what do we get in return? Nothing!" Dasher, the head of the reindeer’s labor union, grumbled. "Santa gets all the credit, while we are the ones doing real work. You think our job is easy? Try to imagine hauling an obese 450-pound man and 30 tons of assorted junk around the world for 24 hours non-stop. That’s what we do every single year! Worse, we never get paid. The only thing the management ever gave us is food, and they expect us to be grateful for that."
"Food? What food?" Prancer interrupted. "What they give us is not food. It’s plain grass, for crying out loud. What made them think that just because we are reindeer, we are supposed to eat nothing but grass? We would also like a share of Santa’s chocolates and candies, you know."
"Santa lives comfortably in his big igloo, which even has a frozen swimming pool, while we are made to sleep outside in the freezing cold." Vixen complained. "We don’t even have beds. We have to lie on the grass. That’s so gross. It’s like lying in your own food. How would Santa like to sleep on a piece of freaking caramel candy?"
The reindeer say that for the sake of the Christmas spirit, they have patiently endured the abuses for more than a hundred years, but the last straw came earlier this year, when the management declared that they are phasing out the reindeer in favor of a specially designed helicopter. "We don’t even have job security. Our loyalty to the corporation have been wasted." Donder laments.
In a separate press conference, North Pole, Inc. defended its planned downsizing. "Reindeer are inefficient. They eat a lot, they pee and shit a lot, and they complain a lot. They want to go on strike? That’s fine with me. They are going to be fired anyway." Santa Claus said in a prepared statement.
The company also assured worried children that despite the strike, Christmas this year will not be cancelled. "Our brand new helicopter will be ready in a few weeks." Mr. Claus proudly declared. "It is three times faster than a pack of reindeer, and it does not have to be fed."
Rudolph the red nosed reindeer was reportedly hired by the company to pilot the new helicopter. The move was heavily criticized by the labor union, which sees it as a widening of the gap between black nosed and red nosed workers.
Rumors also have it that the helicopter will use fossil fuels which can produce emissions that may harm the environment, especially the ozone layer. Mr. Claus refused to comment when questioned by reporters on the issue.
Meanwhile, the reindeer promised to fight to the end. They have staged an failed assassination attempt on Mr. Claus recently, real-life never-seen-before footages of which can be seen in the Fox TV special, "When Animals Attack, Part Twenty Two." They are even considering forming a rival Yuletide season company, although they have not yet raised the needed funds.
North Pole, Inc., owned by Santa Claus, has been the official administrator of Christmas since 1885, after God sold the holiday to them for 150 billion dollars. Under the terms of the sale, the company would have to bring gifts to all the good children of world every Christmas until the year 2085.
To help the reindeer in their cause, visit http://www.thereindeersite.com. For every visit, a stupid sponsor somewhere in the world will donate 5 cents to the Reindeer Foundation.