President Herap

Dear Mr. President,

    I have just got an F in Math 18! It makes me feel real bad that I have flunked a subject in my very first semester at the Ateneo. I may even get kicked out from the university because of my 0.8 QPI. I feel like I want to die!

Depressed

Dear Depressed,

    I don’t know what QPI means, but I do know the feeling of getting kicked out. Don’t be depressed, Mr. Depressed. Who knows, you may just become the next president! Look at me.

    You also mentioned that you want to die. Well, the easiest way to commit suicide is to cut your left wrist with a knife. Remember to cut the LEFT wrist, because the heart is on the left. Tip: the left wrist is the one with the Herap wristband.

    Tandaan, Herap para sa maherap. Huwag niyo akong subukan!

My Excellency, President Herap

Clarification from the presidential spokesperson, Mr. Jelly Barucan:

    I want to correct the impression that the President is pro-suicide. He has obviously been maliciously misquoted by the media. What he meant is that our country is a democracy, and everyone is allowed to do as he wants. No one will stop you if you want to wear your wristband on your right wrist. Next letter please.

Dear Mr. President,

    My father is a congressman, and he works hard to keep our family alive. However, I heard that you have cut down on his pork barrel. Without the money, our family will starve to death. Please have mercy.

Congressman Jr.

Dear Congressman Jr.,

    I know your father. He does not need pork, because he already has enough pork on his body to feed your whole family. In fact, he looks very much like a lechon.

    As the leader of this country, I always have to make tough decisions. I have decided to cut down on the pork because my doctor says that it is high in cholesterol and bad for the heart. Besides, my popularity rating is going down, so I have to pretend that I am doing something good for the poor.

    Tandaan, Herap para sa maherap. Huwag niyo akong subukan!

My Excellency, President Herap

Clarification from the presidential spin doctor, Mr. Jelly Barucan:

The President has again been maliciously misquoted. He was trying to say that the honorable congressman has a very healthy body and a very intelligent mind, and if he and his family ever starve to death, it will be a great loss to our country. Next letter please, and please, no more misquotes.

Dear Mr. President,

    Last week, I parked my BMW, which has no gate pass, in the parking lot just outside SEC. When I got back to the car that afternoon, I found a big ugly sticker attached to the front windshield. It blocks my vision, and as a result, I run over a few pedestrians the past week. Luckily, I haven’t got caught yet, but what can I do to prevent further accidents?

Screwed Driver

Dear Screwed Driver,

    Do not allow the sticker to block your vision, because driving blind may be dangerous. Just roll down the window on the driver’s side and stick your head out, so that you can see the road ahead. Or, since you have mentioned that it is a BMW, you can just open the sunroof and drive standing up.

    And about the pedestrians you have killed, I think you need to cover it up. Someone might have memorized your plate number and would testify against you. So why don’t you get a new car? Here in my garage, there are some nice cars which have not yet been assigned to any of my friends. I can sell one to you very cheap.

    Tandaan, Herap para sa maherap. Huwag niyo akong subukan!

My Excellency, President Herap

Angry outburst from the presidential spin doctor, Mr. Jelly Barucan:

    How dare you so maliciously misquote our President? There are no illegally acquired hot cars in the Palace. They exist only in the imagination of stupid people like you! If this is what you call journalism, then we will remove all advertisements from your pathetic website!