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WASHINGTON (Reuters) - For the second year in a row, President Bush refused to grant the annual pardon to the White House Turkey. Instead of the traditional reprieve, the fowl will be detained "at an undisclosed location, for an indefinite amount of time"
This years victim - known only as "Stars the Turkey" may have slowly enraged the President by gobbling throughout a Rose Garden ceremony but President Bush didn't seem to let it bother him. In fact he seemed to relish in the absurdity of Star's indecipherable banter. "It's as if he's pleading for his life. I love this feeling. He's completely powerless. No pesky lawyers, no phonecall, no rights... We will win this War on Terror, and Stars, my friend, you will be slaughtered like a pig, gutted, stuffed, and served for Thanksgiving dinner. That is, of course, after we ply you for info for a few years down at Gitmo", said Bush with a quick wink to reporters. "I look forward to personally torturing the info out of him."
In a contest to name the method of euthanasia for the national Thanksgiving turkey,
conducted on the White House Web site, Stars, and the alternate
national bird, Stripes, were both chosen to be executed by beheading. "It
was a neck-to-neck race," said Bush. "But I guess in the end, both of their necks will be cut!"
Other methods that gained votes were gassing, lethal injection, close-range shotgun blasts to the head, and a form of cock-fighting.
"The rule book states that an alternate turkey is chosen in
case the national Thanksgiving turkey cannot fulfill his role
in this ceremony. This year we're doing the alternate one as well - - we're doubling our national pleasure,"
Bush said.
In the Rose Garden on Monday, Stars punctuated nearly every
sentence of the president's with a comment of his own as dozens
of schoolchildren giggled, prompting Bush to remark: "Sounds
like Stars wants to tell us something. What's that, Stars? You don't want us to kill you?
Too bad, Stars. This is what happens to those who declare war on America." The schoolchildren
then broke into spontaneous applause, some visibly tearing up.
Turning even more serious, Bush thanked U.S. forces serving in Iraq and elsewhere around the world.
"We're thinking of them and their families. We think of the
military families that have suffered loss. Now, let's eat," he said.
Previous Stories:
Bush Denies Turkey Pardon (2002)
Bush Cancels Veterans Day
Bush Orders Arrest Of Michael Jackson
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Did You Know?
- ...turkey-related deaths topped 12,000 nationally in 2002?
- ... Ben Franklin was allergic to turkey meat but loved the smell?
- ... turkeys are completely 100%, bio-degradable?
- ...1 in every 5 of us will either come back as a turkey or similar animal?
(turkeyshit.org)
Turkey Fact Sheet
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