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WASHINGTON (Reuters) - In a surprise break with tradition today, President Bush refused to pardon Katie, the White House Turkey, opting instead to hold the fowl as a "material witness" for an indefinite amount of time.
"By the powers invested in me through the new Homeland Security Act, I hearby order that this enemy of the state, Katie, shall be shipped in a crate not to some lucky American family's dinner table but to Camp X-Ray in Gitmo Bay, Cuba," Bush said, grinning from ear to ear like a retarded chimp on ecstasy. "Oh sure, I could have granted the usual reprieve like my predecessors have over the years, but this is a new America, one full of fear, boogie-men, and killer terrorist turkeys. We need to stand vigilant... and the American people will have to blindly trust me again. These are now our new traditions."
"I look forward to having a conversation with Katie, to personally torturing the info out of her," Bush said as he warily approached the bird. Satisfied the turkey was drugged enough, he tentatively reached out to pet it.
"Ordinarily, we'd be killing your ass right about now, Katie," an oddly sedate Bush whispered into the doomed bird's earhole. "But today we have other plans for you. We have ways of making you talk. A year at Camp X-Ray in Gitmo Bay should do the trick. Soon, your secret society shall be torn wide open, laying exposed, out in the light, where filth like you and yours hasn't a chance. We will find Osama, and you shall be the key."
The chilling ceremony was held in the White House Rose Garden. The bird, supplied by the National Turkey Federation, was raised in Clinton, North Carolina.
"It's ironic she comes from Clinton," Bush remarked. He then suddenly turned and ran out of view of reporters.
"The President feels that, at this time, giving out any more information surrounding the case may jeopardize the security of this nation. It would simply be inappropriate to comment any further, " said White House Spokesman, Ari Fleisher, who then held up his middle finger in a blatant gesture of contempt. He remained so for the next three or four minutes, occasionally breaking into uncontrollable fits of giggling.
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Did You Know?
- ...turkey-related deaths topped 12,000 nationally in 2001?
- ... Ben Franklin was allergic to turkey meat but loved the smell?
- ... turkeys are completely 100%, bio-degradable?
- ...1 in every 5 of us will either come back as a turkey or similar animal?
(turkeyshit.org)
Turkey Fact Sheet
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